Title: Aspiring to be a Steady Bow for You, My Living Arrow
Author： Riko
My son calls out to me through the door of my home office:
"I'm heading to tutoring school now."
"Alright. Do your best."
"You too, Mom! "
He cheerfully leaves the house.
When my son comes home from elementary school, he does his homework and plays with his friends. When it's time, he heads to his tutoring school or tennis school by himself. This routine has become the norm.
I feel life has finally settled down. It took ten years to feel this way.
Ten years ago, I moved to a new place with my baby boy, just before he turned one. Two weeks after the move, my son started daycare, and two weeks after that, I began working as a full-time employee.
Despite significant anxiety, I was determined to make it in this new environment.
However, after about six months, I gradually started to feel depressed. Working while raising a small child all by myself proved to be much more challenging than I had imagined.
I became increasingly exhausted. My anxiety kept growing as I questioned whether I could manage in this workplace and take good care of my child.
One day, after coming home from daycare, I rushed from the front door to the kitchen to quickly prepare dinner for my hungry son. While hurrying down the hallway, I suddenly found myself unable to move.
“I can't do this anymore," I crouched down on the spot and quietly cried, holding back my tears.
Seeing me like that, my one-year-old son toddled off to the bedroom. He returned with his favorite green blanket and gently laid it on my back. It was the blanket he always kept with him and never parted with at home.
I was suddenly brought back to reality.
I thought to myself, this is not the time to be crushed by worries about the future. Things will surely work out somehow. Let's believe that and focus on just getting through today. And I vowed never to cry in front of my son again.
From that time on, I started keeping journals about the trips we took and the books we read.
On weekends, the two of us went out to all sorts of places. My son, who was so fond of insects that nicknamed the "insect expert" at daycare, and I visited parks and mountains with an insect field guide in hand, collecting insects.
I had no partner to share these memories with. Instead, I recorded them in my trip journal.
We also frequently visited the library. Until he entered elementary school, we read numerous picture books every night. I recorded my thoughts about them in my reading journal.
To be honest, I don't remember much about those days. I was simply too busy, just struggling to survive.
I feel a sense of guilt towards my son for those busy days that passed by.
However, when I look back at the journals I have e written, there's no room for worries or anxieties in those pages. The journals vividly document the diverse experiences we've had, engaging with different people in new surroundings.
Do I need to feel guilty for this?
We've walked through such fulfilling days together.
I would rather be proud of it.
My son, now ten years old, can do most things by himself. My work environment has also significantly improved. I was once convinced that, at some point, I would have to quit because balancing it with childcare seemed impossible. I am still working at the same workplace.
On Friday nights, I pull out two wine glasses. My son has his juice and I have my wine, and we toast to a week well spent.
I remember whispering these words on the day my son was born.
"Thank you for being born into this world. I will be here to support you throughout your life. “
How much time do we have left to spend together like this?
How wonderful it is to imagine that he will eventually set out from here to discover a much broader world.
My son, I am always here to be a bow from which you, as a living arrow, are set forth, wishing you swift and far flights.
Call for Donations
Thank you for reading this essay to the end. This essay was written by Single Mother Riko for Mother's Day2024. The non-profit organization Single Mothers Sisterhood supports the self-care of single mothers' minds and bodies. Your generous donations will be carefully used to fund the operation of 'Self-Care Workshops for Single Mothers' and 'Expressive Recovery Programs'. The well-being of single mothers is essential, not only for themselves but also for their children. Your support would mean a lot to us. Donations are accepted here.
Comments